2013: The year of removing tough laundry stains the first time

2013 goals

Clearly I know too many self-improvement types, because here I am, fairly well BULLIED into making some new year’s resolutions.

Expect daily progress reports.  It’s shaping up to be that fun of a year.


This year I will go back to work full-time, as long as Starbucks is still hiring people to pose as customers (free pound of coffee with every flush of a stranger’s pee!).

This year I will try to make some new mom friends here in the neighbourhood — learn their names and birthdays, where they grew up, how they like their coffee, social insurance numbers, etc.  Then I’ll offer them a free photo session (two wallet-sized black-and-white photos, shot with a neutral facial expression).  Oh, and I’ll need their addresses, too, so I know where to send the postcards.

This year I will embrace change.  I will also gently caress paper money and open-mouth kiss gift cards.

This year I will give up on trying to lose weight, and just accept that I can be beautiful at any size of Cetacea.

This year I will suck the marrow as the internet’s favourite perkstronaut Kelle Hampton calls it.  Just kidding.  If I wanted to make blood a part of my diet I’d just make some Diva Cupcakes!  A ha-ha-ha!  Eww …

This year I will learn to drive a stick shift, so I can make both my kids throw up in the car at the very same time.

This year I will give more of myself.  You are all getting actual hairshirts next Christmas.  Oh, shut up, grey goes with everything.

In all seriousness?  Resolve is a stain remover, end of story.

And from this week’s writing challenge, some folks whose resolutions are, shall we say, a bit more meteoric than my own.



  1. This was so great! I think you have some great resolutions. =) Happy New Year!

  2. I about died at the Diva Cup cakes. *vom*

  3. I think 2013 is already shaping up to be a winner for you. I’m not sure how much shaping you will want to do, but waxing your own tadpole sounds both intriguing and painful. I really hope I don’t know what it means.

    • Ha! Just a lame-o reference to that old Coca-Cola story (http://www.snopes.com/cokelore/tadpole.asp). I was going to say “wax my own mustache” but I’m not 100% sure I buy into the whole ethos of “it’s funny because it’s true.”

      • I thought that’s what it referenced. But you never know… it’s the internet and all.
        I like the idea of “it’s funny because it’s true” because no one but you are ever quite sure. Either reference works. I am laughing either way.

  4. Speaking of funny either way, it just occurred to me that “wax my own mustache” could refer to either hair removal or old-timey saloon grooming. Equal probabilities in my case.

  5. I’m so impressed with your resolve. Matches mine – only much more creatively. I hope you present your list to anyone who asks you what your NY resolutions are. – Suzan –

  6. OK, I know I’m not supposed to do this…but…I just want to share a few of my resolutions. Like…

    Resolved- I will use scent my house with the aroma of freshly laundered oxyclean every day.

    Resolved- I will share my video of Bite the Wax Tadpole by Tub Ring to everyone evangelistically, knowing it will enlighten and astound them.

    Resolved- I will suddenly care about my figure, while ingesting copious amounts of various chocolate morsels no bigger than a gnat, as pictured by nibbling women on television commercials for Dove chocolates.

    Resolved- I will wear celery as a breath and body cologne, since it is now scientifically proven that it attracts females more than Axe body spray.

    See..you have truly inspired someone…a crazy Irishman. You really are an inspiring author, Jeni.

  7. Delightful! If only I knew how to even start any of those things! ~Much light and self -cleaning laundry to you in the new year!

If you think I’m talking about you here, yeah, you’re probably right.

If you think I’m talking about you here, yeah, you’re probably right.

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