Nominees for the 2013 JUNO Awards were announced today. After consulting with my own Juno — who was not named after the awards, more on that here — we’ve decided to offer an alternative list of contenders, based on categories that are more meaningful to my 20-month-old daughter than “Contemporary Jazz Album of the Year.”
Which, and I say this with the highest degree of respect for the recording and performing artists nominated in that category, better mean NOTHING to ANYONE anyone responsible for any audio-outputting device near me.
“Jazz-Induced Object Smash Disorder” is slated for inclusion in the DSM V, largely thanks to my pioneering work in the field.
But enough about how I’m just not “smart” enough to “appreciate” a specific set of annoying noises. Onward!
Nominees for the 2013 Juno R. Matute Awards are:
Fan Choice Award:
- Bathroom Fan
- Kitchen Fan
- Hand-Drier at McDonald’s
Group of the Year:
- Harry’s Bucket Full of Dinosaurs
- Mama’s Collection of Orphaned Socks (see also: Single of the Year)
- School of Goldfish Crackers
Pop Item of the Year:
Best Gospel Song:
- How Great! Thou Fart.
- What Did The Father Feed You?
- Sweet Baby Jesus (Diaper of the Damned)
Lifetime Achievement: Toopy and Binoo, Marshmallows